Waves of grief
I decided to start writing this post in the last working hour at office, one thing I rarely do in public especially for my personal things, but today I can’t wait till the night time to start ’cause I’m missing you so much.
In a book that I read recently, it is said that the grief which one is suffering after losing his beloved can be like waves: One after another, coming in batches at random time, with or without any reason, making him hardly breathe, and most of the outsiders cannot see those waves inside him. Normally they’ll see him working and doing daily routine without much difference from the others, and they start thinking about the common wisdom “time can heal everything, he has moved on…”
There are few points that I think people will share in common when having similar situation:
- At one side, people start looking for their own “remedy options” to help them reduce/alleviate/heal the pain of grief.
- On the other side, people also don’t want to be “healed” completely, otherwise that may imply that they will be forgetting about their beloved ones at a certain time in future.
- Along with those remedy options, people will have various reaction to things happening around them in life. There won’t be enough adjective words to use for those reactions, but there is one word that can be in common: Abnormal. It’s not something about mental health problem, to be precise, just something that people who never experiencing grief and loss cannot understand.
Those remedy options and reactions can be varied from person to person, of course, depending on their levels of love towards their beloved ones. I emphasize again, the levels of love, which is the most nature thing that distinguish one from the others. I have been trying a lots of different options without a single second thinking about what people may think/judge/talk about me if they’re seeing/knowing me doing like that. After all, it’s it me and you living our lives, not the others, so why caring? My remedy options are sometimes wild, sometimes weird, sometimes normal, sometime dangerous, but not yet crazy. Those options are not to be aligned with any social standards, and are used to help me buying time getting over the waves inside me, from time to time.
Since the very beginning moment you went ahead me to another world, the waves have never calmed down inside of me for a single day. I’m thinking of you, not all the time, but in all circumstances that I’ve been passing by. My waves of grief, in a sense, become an habitual soulmate, if I can say that. That soulmate understands deeply my pain, my desire, my thoughts therefore my behavior and reaction which no one can.