Paradoxes of life
Recently I’ve been going thru a messy time, and somehow not being able to keep up with the frequency of what I had been doing, one thing that I never thought of before, especially when I have more free and flexible time like now.
Although I didn’t want to, the number of activities which I had planned for you was decreased. This also happened with the number of my “remedy options” *. Was I distracted by the things and the people around me? Or was I afraid of sinking in grief every time doing those activities? After a while, I decided not to answer those questions directly, but rather than that I have a “check-point” list on myself:
- How am I now, comparing with myself since that day? – Not better, even worse.
- Warm and happy feelings when thinking about you? – Still there, but sadder.
- How about my “waves of grief” ** ? – Still the same, not worse but also not better.
Then I realize that, I miss you more, even my habits frequency changed, that’s my first paradox!
From quite a few perspectives, I was supposed to have a success and happy life, as a result of things that I luckily have/born with and things that I tried my best to achieve. Even by now, if someone doesn’t know about the tragic part of my life, I would guess that s/he can think of me like what I was supposed to be. But in fact, I’m struggling to get the most basic things that almost any person can have without the need for him to try too much. Isn’t it ridiculous? Especially for an over-confident and full-of-pride one like me? That’s my second paradox!
Time goes by, I may or may not move on. And if I may, will I start all over again? And what would be the meaning of repeating the whole “process” as of normal life to show to the others that I have moved on? Would it be better if I stay like this? For those questions, I don’t know the answer yet, and I leave it to time and myself to come back later on.
Now I would see these two things most clearly: How incapable I am in every terms and How much I miss you.
*, ** : See this post to refer to those terms.